As we sometimes do, my sister Rebecca sent me an email with a link to an interesting online article. All she wrote was this:
Great article:
The article is from New York Magazine and is titled How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise. It’s a fascinating read and I highly recommend it to everyone.
I don’t know if Rebecca sent me this article because I am a new father and she wants to make sure I’m doing the right thing by her new niece, or if some of the anecdotes in the article echoed back to our own childhood – probably a bit of both. At least, that’s the way I received it.
I was always a smart kid – and I don’t just say that because mommy told me so. Everyone did. I was always top of the class, things always came very easy to me, I was made aware of my IQ score at a very young age, and I was even taken out of school one day a week from the age of six onwards to attend a “creative school” where emphasis was placed on brainstorming, creative problem solving, Olympics of the Mind, and learning to play the Suzuki violin. I can also relate with Carol Dweck’s observation that gifted children tend to “severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.”
I saw this in myself and I saw this in my sisters. Many a time I remember a young Rebecca throwing a temper tantrum because she had to write a report or some other menial task and, since it didn’t come easy at first try, she got very upset at my parents for not helping her do it and the whole process took about five times longer than it had to. We were gifted but lazy. I will be the first to tell you that one of my greatest flaws throughout my formative years was the lack of a serious work ethic. Everything just came easy and I couldn’t be bothered with those things outside of my recognized skill set. Rebecca is a very different animal now (as we all are) and I don’t wish to insinuate that she continues to respond to challenges like this (at least, I hope not), but having these personal experiences to draw from really allowed this article to speak to me.
While reading this article, I found myself planning future dialogs with Emily – and editing past ones. The words we use can have a much more profound effect than many of us choose to recognize. As parents, we have so much power over these malleable little minds. It’s no secret that I sometimes see Emily as my private little science experiment, recording her responses to varied stimuli and tweaking the multitude of variables the world has to offer. I’m thrilled by the challenge of helping her to be the best she can be. I find it fascinating and thrilling and scary as all hell.
LARC ruled. 🙂
This rang very true for me as well, and I passed it on to a few high school friends who went through “Enrichment” classes and advanced classes with me.
I found it particularly interesting because none of us ever blamed anyone but ourselves – “I got to college and didn’t know how to study because I never tried before.” Or “she went through the depression because she had never learned how to work hard at something.” Thanks for the new spin.
I did send it to you for both reasons. And I’m super glad that you posted it here because mom doesn’t have an email address right now and I’d LOVE for her to read this.
After reading the article I thought of how I can use this even today, with no children of my own. I thought about how I talk to Debra, my reading student. Raising her self esteem is actually 80% of my job. The reading just comes naturally after that. I never tell her she’s smart (because she’s not) but I always thank her for trying so hard. And for her persistence in figuring out a difficult task.
I also applied it to how I talk to Jonathan. He’s an amazingly talented digital graphic artist. I went to his house last night and watched him work on a web site design. But rather than tell him how “talented” he is I told him how I admired his perseverance is working on the design until it’s just right. I told him how I admired that he’s a self starter and continues to learn about the technical side of the industry. I think praising his actions over his innate ability is so much more productive and would inspire him to work harder. Don’t tell him he’s my little science project too. :o)
Great article, cheers for posting it, lots of recogniseable traits there. Better get on with encouraging my pupils effort put in, not their effortless success. And telling them to pump that brain muscle!